WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a bold move aimed at simplifying the English language (and confusing absolutely everyone else), the fictitious Department of Pronoun Integrity (DPI) has officially declared that going forward, people will be referred to as either “he,” “she,” or, in cases of anything outside that binary, simply “mentally unstable.”

The new guideline was announced Thursday morning by DPI Director Chad Flexington, who explained the reasoning behind the shift: “We realized that language has just gotten too complicated. People are out here identifying as moons, soup, or the spiritual embodiment of houseplants. It was time for clarity.”

Under the proposed Pronoun Purity Protocol (PPP), teachers will now address students with lines like: “He, pass the pencil to she. Mentally unstable, please stop licking the chalkboard.”

Advocates for the policy say it’s about “common sense,” “traditional values,” and “getting back to a time when gender was as simple as deciding which bathroom to fight about.”

Critics, on the other hand, are calling the move “cringe,” “dehumanizing,” and “proof that satire is now indistinguishable from reality.”

When asked about non-binary identities, Flexington shrugged. “We didn’t forget them. We just filed them under ‘other’ — along with Bigfoot sightings and people who clap when the plane lands.”

In response, several advocacy groups have already declared next Monday “International Day of Screaming Into the Void,” with events planned nationwide.

Meanwhile, Merriam-Webster is reportedly considering removing the word “nuance” from its next edition — citing lack of use.